The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
