she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
