Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
