So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
