oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
