I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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