Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
