I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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