I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
