Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize