I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
