I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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