On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
pray to the hookup gods
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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