this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
50% drunk capacity currently
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
