it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
