It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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