I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize