Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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