We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
