I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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