oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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