Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
