What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
