You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize