Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
