between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
