I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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