His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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