Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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