she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
