Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
