TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
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