We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
