im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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