i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
