Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
