YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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