Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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