At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
