We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
