You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
