Who did Billy Mays play for?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
