I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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