the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
