i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
