Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
