I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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