I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
