be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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