I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
