party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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