I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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