Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
