Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
