Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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